Most of my thoughts today were about last night, Halloween. I am big about self reflection and it's always good to take a step back and look objectively at ourselves in order for us to be better people; for me anyway.
I must say, as much as I was trying to "slip away" and leave last night. Today, it dawned on me that I was thinking of excuses and reasons why I should go home and call it a night. I did have a fantastic time but when I told my parents today about my Halloween costume, my brother said, "So in other words, you were a slut?" I didn't get mad. I actually thought it was funny but it was close to something I was thinking last night as I was dancing with Martin (that British guy). You guys told me you thought my costume was great but in the back of my mind I figure, "of COURSE a person is going to get attention if they dress slutty." So the point of this post is, at what point can I trust that someone likes me for me and not because of the way I dressed or how I looked. Last night was a perfect example. He said, while we were dancing, that he wanted to kiss me and I said no cause I didn't know him. In my mind I thought, would you still want to kiss me if I was wearing sweatpants. He also told me that he did not have his glasses on and I automatically thought, would you still be interested in me if you really saw what I looked like? Then today, I thought, maybe I am not with someone because I have a negative mind set. A childhood friend wrote on my Facebook page today about why I am still single. It hurts when people ask me why am I still single. I think it really is a choice. There are plenty of decent guys who ask me out and want to get to know me but I am too afraid to give them a chance because of the risk of them getting to know the "real" me and then not being interested. I know the 'real' me is not bad, I am just too afraid to end up with the wrong person so I look for things that disqualify them before they even start. Overall, I think a lot of this has to do with my own insecurites and I am not going to find the relationship I crave until I can let go of this negative mind set that everyone is going to hurt me.
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Dera, your comments are why we are doing this experiment. What I am finding out is that the more we do this experiment, the more we find out what our blocks are to finding the love we want. The reality is that the focus must be on us not so much who Mr. Right is. The first steps to finding love and the one you want is finding love for yourself so that you can believe in the love that does come your way. If you don't believe you are loveable or desirable (regardless of sweats or sexy outfit), then how can you possibly believe someone would find you loveable and desirable? It is that simple and that complicated at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThis is a journey I am willing to take. I found that a lot has happened since we started this experiment, many things have come up for me to look at regarding my interactions with men I like. I am really excited about discovering more about me---good, bad and indifferent. Tell me are you ready? I know I am...whatever it takes I know I will exactly what I want! If my belief worked for me to get my car (that on paper I can't afford), then it can work for everything in my life.